Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
