did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Come see our sink grown plant.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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