We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How naked do you want me to be?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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