Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
