If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
