Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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