hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
