dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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