Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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