Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
