best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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