so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
