Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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