I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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