she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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