Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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