i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
