I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
