i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
