any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
