Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
