I'm really into asian looking animals
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
