Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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