I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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