in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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