Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
