??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
