fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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