I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
