i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I need water and some morals
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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