I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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