shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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