ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
