I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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