You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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