i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
