I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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