just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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