My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
