Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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