mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
