Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
