how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
