I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
