guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
