I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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