heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
