So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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