even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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