update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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