I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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