I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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