I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
