Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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