I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
