I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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