at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
