I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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