Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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