I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
